The Perfectionist trap…
Perfection: Being a perfectionist means holding yourself (or others) to unrealistically high standards and feeling that anything less than perfect is unacceptable.
Perfectionism: A pattern of thinking and behaviour where a person strives for flawlessness, sets excessively high standards, and tends to be overly critical of themselves when those standards aren’t met, often linking their self-worth to performance.
The emotional root: Perfectionism often comes from wanting, approval, safety, control, love or validation.
It’s frequently shaped by childhood experiences where being “good,” “smart,” or “perfect” earned praise or prevented negative reactions.
Being a perfectionist is both a blessing and a curse. While perfectionists have an inner drive, the ability to always be productive and in control of life, the word ‘always’, has them in a choke hold.
No one can be perfect all the time and although the conscious brain is aware of this, our subconscious brain, the part of the brain that controls 90-95% of our behaviour, is often displaying a different narrative. The deep-rooted belief that you need to be perfect to be loveable, liked or appreciated, drives unhelpful behaviours.
A perfectionist craves control and order. They function at their best when they are high achieving, one step ahead, organised and successful in every area of life (with the expectation of all of these things all at the same time).
The problem? These are unreasonable expectations and when they are not met, the sense of failure is loud!
Why is that?
Because perfectionism isn’t actually about achievement at all — it’s about safety. For a perfectionist, success doesn’t create relief, It creates more pressure, more fear, and more self-monitoring (control).
Success becomes a moving target. The goalposts shift, the standards rise, the brain gets busier… not calmer.
Why?
Because underneath all perfectionistic behaviour is a deeper belief: If I get this right, I’m safe.
If I get this wrong, I’m not.
So even when everything is done perfectly, your nervous system stays on high alert, your mind keeps scanning for mistakes, your body waits for the next threat and your inner critic gets louder, not quieter. Its not praise you are looking for, its survival. The subconscious mind equates imperfection with danger.
This is an exhausting energy to be in. When your nervous system is on high alert, your sympathetic nervous system is dominant (fight or flight mode). Perfection is not a desire for excellence, it’s a lifelong attempt to feel safe, accepted, and in control and it is exhausting!!
If we can view perfectionism as a protection strategy, not a personality trait, we can begin to heal the fear underneath it.
1. We need to create safety in the nervous system.
To disrupt the sympathetic nervous system response (fight or flight), you need practices that tell your body: “You’re safe even when things aren’t perfect.”
If we can learn to regulate our bodies, our brain no longer interprets imperfection as danger and we can mitigate perfectionism not by lowering our standards, but by teaching our nervous system that we are safe even when things aren’t perfect.
2. We need to shift from unreasonable expectations to realistic outcomes.
Instead of saying, “I have to do everything”, or, “I can’t leave the house until everything is in perfect order”. Try asking yourself, “what matters most right now?’, or, “what can I allow to be easy today?”. We need to work on breaking the all or nothing cycle of thinking.
3. How can you rewire the subconscious belief of “I need to be perfect to be loveable”?
The first step is to bypass that inner critic! and over-ride the narrative. Remind yourself that you are safe, even when things aren’t perfect. Visualise your future self, do the inner child work and continuously reassure yourself of your authenticity and safety. This is the deepest part of the work — the identity shift.
4. Learn to celebrate your success!
Perfectionists don’t feel success because their brain rushes to the next threat. To break this loop, you must anchor success. Teach your brain success is safe by documenting your 3 daily wins. Allow yourself the time to sit and relish in the celebration of success. Tell your body (out loud), that you did a good job!
5. Reduce the pressure by sharing responsibilities/ burdens.
Perfectionists often take on: too much, too many people’s emotions, too many tasks, too much self-blame. Let’s mitigate this by delegating small things, letting others hold their own emotions, drop unnecessary standards, create micro-breaks of rest and start to calm the over-functioning pattern of behaviour.
6.Build tolerance (although its hard)
How about Practicing sending something before it’s perfect, leaving a task slightly undone, letting a moment play out without controlling it or resting even when things feel unfinished. Every time you survive this, the subconscious starts to realise that the “Imperfection didn’t harm me”. That’s how the grip loosens and the sense of safety starts to re-build.
Perfectionism may feel like a life sentence, but it isn’t. It’s a learned pattern — and what is learned can be unlearned. When we start viewing perfectionism not as a flaw but as a protective strategy our younger selves adopted to feel safe, loved, and in control, we finally unlock the compassion needed to change it. As we build nervous system safety, soften our inner expectations, challenge old beliefs, celebrate our wins, and practise letting things be imperfect, we slowly teach our mind and body a new truth: I am safe even when life isn’t perfect. And in this space of safety, authenticity, and self-acceptance, we don’t lose our drive or our excellence — we simply gain the freedom to live without fear. Healing perfectionism isn’t about doing less; it’s about living from a place where who you are matters infinitely more than how perfectly you perform.
~Jess
Journal Prompts
1. What part of me believes I need to be perfect to be safe, loved, or accepted?”
Explore where this belief came from.
Who taught you — directly or indirectly — that mistakes weren’t okay?
Let that younger version of you speak.
2. “What is the fear underneath my perfectionism trying to protect me from?”
Perfectionism is always protecting something:
• judgment
• rejection
• chaos
• loss of control
• feeling not good enough
Name it.
When you name the fear, you soften its power.
3. “Where in my body do I feel the pressure to be perfect, and what does that sensation want me to know?”
This prompt reconnects her to the nervous system, not just thoughts.
The body often holds the truth that the mind avoids.
4. “What would ‘good enough’ look like for me today — and why does that feel threatening?”
This uncovers the emotional resistance to loosening control.
It helps her challenge the all-or-nothing thinking and understand what feels unsafe about ease.
5. “If I didn’t have to earn love through achievement, how would I show up differently in my life?”
This prompt invites identity-level expansion.
It helps her imagine a version of herself who is worthy because she exists — not because she performs.
This is the heart of healing perfectionism.
You were never meant to be perfect — you were meant to be free. The moment you choose authenticity over achievement, your power returns home to you.
